Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Dying Innovation and The Unfortunate Incident of Growing Up

It comes in like a flash of lightening, something brilliant and ingenious. At first you sit there and you say, "Oh my gosh that is brilliant yes!" and you think it through. However, it never gets off the ground. It sits untouched in the recesses of your mind or the beginnings of it remain to be shoved deep in your closet (literal or metaphorical) full of other failed ideas. To be honest, I have spent way too much time like that this summer. There have been too many times when I could be producing brilliance where find myself, too often, sitting and taking the back seat to what could have been. It's not to say that all of my projects are a failure. It is just that all of the good ones are either just barely good enough or they don't even start. This blog is a testament to the former. It is more of an outlet of my emotions than a fruitful endeavor. To be honest, I don't even remember why I started this blog, which isn't something I should be admitting, but it is the God honest truth.

Another example? The other night, I had an idea: to create a blog dedicated to event planning and all that went into it. It would suggest clever ideas and everything down to what to wear when all was said and done. If you are asking yourself, how on earth I came up with this, you should take a look at my Pinterest. Literally just covered in ideas and cool things. However, when I decided to start the blog, I had a serious creative block that wouldn't even let me choose a template for this blog before I even started adding things. To be honest , I could have coded a layout and been done, but I was lazy and I just wanted to start working on the blog before I lost all of my steam. When I realized that that was what I was doing, I came to a stop. No way could I go into something thinking like that. This summer has been a very dry summer in terms of innovation from me. Four summers ago, I wrote a hilarious journal chronicling my summer and all the mischief I got into. The summer before that, I wrote a book with my best friend titled the dialogue and it featured all of our friends and even some not-so-friendly type people and it was brilliantly funny. Still is actually. I read it not too long ago. Anyway, that same summer I owned a MySpace layout site by the name of Euphoria layouts and I had actually gathered a following. So I guess it's been four years since I have created anything worth reading... Or mentioning. Which is a sad note for me because what is the difference between now and four years ago? Has the incessant need to grow up and mature to stay up to par with my peers actually prohibited me from doing anything worthwhile creatively? I used to have vision... I used to have ideas just scribbled on scraps of coloured paper lying on my desk and on my walls that just needed me to look at them long enough to make them happen. At the age of eighteen, I am certainly not the awkward thirteen year old I was going into high school. Not only am I more mature and defined in my appearance, I have grown wise beyond my years (although it may not always show). But what if growing up changed me... What if growing up made me less interesting as a creative soul and boring like the other kids? Growing up, I never wanted to be like the other kids... Wait, no that's a lie. For awhile, I wanted to be like everyone else but that was before I realized I couldn't be like everyone else because quite frankly, (and please don't take offense to this) everyone else sucks. As much as I admire some of my friends for their successes and accomplishments, I would never want to be them. I mean, I love them all dearly, but in the words of Oscar Wilde, I believe, "be yourself because everyone else is taken" could not be anymore true and it resonates within me every time I see someone else accomplish one of their goals.

I want to believe that I had found myself after my senior year of high school, when I had no choice but to look at what I was doing with my life and decide if it was making me happy... And it wasn't. But I find more and more that as time passes that that may not be true.

One of my math teachers in high school once said, "Sure you can find an answer; it doesn't mean it's the right one" and while I am the last person to admit math is useful for anything besides finding out tip at a restaurant, I have to admit that tidbit stuck with me. What if I had found myself.... But it wasn't the right one? Maybe I need to review my work and figure out what went wrong....to get the right answer, to find the right me. Because to be honest, as awesome as I am now, I am nowhere near as awesome as I thought I would be at this age. So I think I'm going to put growing up on the shelf for another year and figure myself out. Sure I need a job and gainful employment, but aside from that I need to get in touch with the younger me to find out where it all went wrong... And why I'm not happy or creative anymore...

The root of all creativity is wishful thinking, then you have to water and nourish it with experience and the world around you. Make sure it is basking in the glow of some brilliance and if need be, it can find a nice support system in the form of family and friends and you'll have a beautiful creative soul. I think I have been hacking away at my root, because everyone has been telling me that wishful thinking is holding me back when wishful thinking may have been the only thing propelling me forward. So I will take it upon myself to hold my hand up in the face of everyone else and say "Save it." and bring my root back to life. Because honestly, who has ever heard of an artist with no creative soul?

To be continued....

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