Thursday, April 19, 2012

English + Allergies = Excellence

I'm a college student and sometimes I have homework and random things to do. So in English today, my English teacher told me that I didn't offer my proper opinion on the play Hamlet. I don't even know what is going on, but I know that I have been working on Hamlet since LAST YEAR. I am so over Hamlet. So I made this beautiful essay on Hamlet that goes a little something like this:
                My thoughts on Hamlet.
                Well to be frank… I don’t have any (of academic value)
Because I already read Hamlet and I think it’s a Shakespearean tragedy that is best read once and never read again. However, you may reference it whenever you feel like it (i.e the Lion King, Sassy Gay Friend, etc) First of all, literally the only parts of Hamlet that are EVER referenced are in the first three acts of the play. So the last two acts, are pretty much useless. You could have ended the third act with “And everyone died” and it pretty much would have left you with the same emotional attachment as the fourth act and the fifth act… equally as useless, if not more.  So, with that being said…. Hamlet is like Holden Caulfield, whiny and emotionally disturbed. However, unlike Holden Caulfield, he is justified in his right to do so because one day he woke up and his father was dead. Then like two days after the funeral, his harlot of a mother is getting married to the uncle. Which does not say much for women of that time period, but what can you do? So Hamlet is still mourning his father and the mother and the uncle are like “Why are you still mourning? You need to be happy”, which is completely ungrounded because this man’s grave isn’t even cold and those two are sleeping together… but whatever.  Hamlet leaves them because they clearly are not sane and while out, he is confronted by his father’s ghost. His father is like “So you know how everything in the castle is mad suspicious because everyone is not mourning… that’s because your uncle killed me and the wedding and his coronation is masking the real issue at hand.” And Hamlet is like scared beyond all reason because his dead father is speaking to him from outside of the grave, but at the same time is like “YES.” Because he totally knew that there was something screwed up going on in the castle.  Everything is cool though until his father is like “SOO…. Since I’m dead… can you avenge my death for me… that’d be great thanks…” and Hamlet is like “Okay, I freaking hate Claudius anyway.. but what about my mother?” and his father does that iconic disappointed headshake and stares off into the distance all dramatic like and says “Leave her to the heavens.” Which basically translates to “leave her be because she is going to rot in the fire-y depths of hell like the harlot she is...”  So Hamlet is like ticked off, but he Kanye-shrugs it off and is like “Ugh, okay Dad… I’ll avenge your death” and his dad is like “Thanks and I’d love to chat more but it’s getting sunny and I’d burn so deuces!” and he leaves. Hamlet is visibly shaken by this so when he found by the two guards, they are like “whoa, did you smoke something bad and see something weird?” and he was like “NO. LEAVE ME ALONE” and runs off.  And they Kanye-shrug it out  and agree to never speak of it again.  So Hamlet is like “Woe is me. I am sitting here and I have to kill my uncle”, but then at the same time, he says “IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER TO KILL MYSELF” but like Holden Caulfield, he won’t actually give the reader the satisfaction of actually not having to hear from him. So he just goes on this long diatribe about why his life is pointless to be living, but death is so… permanent and he is just not ready to make this commitment. SPEAKING OF COMMITMENT, let’s backtrack a bit. So there is a royal assistant name Polonius and he is kinda old and irrelevant, but he is a confidante to the royal throne and his daughter is apparently the apple of Hamlet’s eye. Why I don’t know, but you are going to realize that Polonius’ kids think that they are important because their father works in the castle but in reality they are nobodies. Not like Cinderella nobodies or even like the nobodies in Mean Girls, but they are legitimately not important to anyone. But since Hamlet has been doting on Ophelia and then out of nowhere he went into this “unexplained” brooding state, they all automatically assume that it must be because Polonius told her that she can’t see Hamlet anymore. Which is completely not what it is about, but as aforementioned, their judgment in that castle isn’t exactly too sound. But Claudius and Polonius send Ophelia as a red herring to figure out what is going on with Hamlet, which would have worked fine if Ophelia wasn’t completely daft and was like “YOU ARE MARVELOUS…. Here are your tokens back.” This is the equivalent of someone writing a load of letters for  the love of their life and then the love of their life comes back and is like “YOU ARE TOTALLY AWESOME.. I totally want to be in love with you… but no thank you.” Literally makes no sense, whatsoever.  So Hamlet is like “alright what is going on…” and she thinks she can bat her eyes and everything would be okay. This would be fine and alright except Hamlet is not like the rest of the idiots in the castle, so he says to her in essence, “You totally cannot sit there and lie to me straight to my face like that. Where is your father?” The father question is actually important, because he knows where Polonius is (the general idea at least) and then he could tell if she was lying. Ophelia lies TO HIS FACE again. He completely loses it and he has all reason to because she is as daft as they come and she is a sham to women everywhere.  So he tells her to take herself to the nunnery because maybe there they could teach her some decorum. In essence, he nicely told her that she was a harlot and that she should probably aspire to be something else than her father’s chess piece because it really wasn’t getting her anywhere. At the same time, he knows she has been set up so he goes looking for Polonius or Claudius or anyone that would be watching. He doesn’t directly see them face to face, but he sends them a warning. They scurry off , totally afraid of how crazy he is (but really he is better than they are..)

I literally wanted to hand this in, but that would be crazy of me. However, I did get to let off a lot of steam. Still I am working on the same paper, but the proper version of it.

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